Obsessive Dog Owner Syndrome

This is a blog that I transferred from my other site and it's from January 2010. (Yes, I mention "Cactus Man," shudder, and yes his stay was a disaster, but stay with the "dog parts" and ignore CM).

My ex, Scott, AKA, "Cactus Man," left yesterday to go back home to Florida. I thought there'd be tons of wild-monkey-sex during our happy reunion after being apart for two years, but there wasn't tons of monkey-sex. Why? He brought his two giant labs to visit my tiny, one-bedroom house.

Here's my Top Ten signs that you're with someone who's an obsessive dog owner, ODO.

1. Lack of sleep on your part. Dogs get to go out for a middle of the night pee, even two middle of the night pees followed by loud noisy, crunchy treats to be eaten by them in the dark of the bedroom (which aren't treats somewhat unnecessary since that obviously leads to another middle of the night surprise, called a "poop"?). Don't plan on sleeping much if you're with an O.D.O.

2. Dogs cry all night long, wanting to sleep in the bed with you. Prepare to wear earplugs. Bear in mind, I do not have a queen sized bed. Nor do I have a king sized bed. Yup, that means I have a full sized bed, which is a glorified twin bed. Also bear in mind that Scott's almost 6'4" and over 230 lbs. Nothing says no-sex-for-you more than two 90 lb. dogs with their heads in your face, whining and drooling on your pillow all night because they want to sleep with you. This is precisely why I trained my dog, Bennie, to be fine going solo at night. Nookie with a dog ass in your face, or why not TWO dog asses in your face, will surely kill any mood you might have had going while showering before bedtime.

3. Early morning sex is OUT! Heavens no, not when you have two "needy bears" to attend to. Heavens no, you cannot just let them out to pee, feed them, then hop back in the bed again. Good grief, no, not with an ODO. You must then have a good 10 min. baby talk session with them then take them for another walk, then a feeding where you HOLD their pans out for them, not set them down on the floor and walk away, then another 10 min. baby-talk congratulating them on eating and rewarding them with another walk and treats, even though you're going to walk them in an hour anyway.

4. Just before bed sex is OUT. Heavens, no. What are you thinking if you're with an ODO? Before bed time, is for tucking the dogs in, NOT sex. Yup, tucking them in--like little babies. That means making "blankie" beds for them on the floor, THEN COVERING THEM UP WITH blankets, then when they get up fifteen minutes later (because maybe dogs do NOT like being covered up with blankets), get out of bed and re-cover them as quickly as possible, then follow that up with another 5 min. of baby talk. This cycle can be repeated up to an hour, possibly more. No late night sex for you if you're with an ODO.

5. Romantic dining. No time for that when you have dogs that are trained to beg at the table and eat people food. Eating at the counter is the preferred style. Why bother sitting down, if the dogs are only going to cry and jump up on you and knock the candles over? If eating at the table enjoying a candlelight dinner is in action, then the dogs are to be crowded around the table, either whining, barking, or preferably whining AND barking with their chins rested on the tablecloth edge. SO keep your hand around that candelabra.

6. Fun cooking. This one is out, unless you mean, one person cooks while the other judiciously guards the countertops. Koe Koe jumped up on my counter, while my back was turned for TWO seconds, and ate half my roast that I had doctored up and worked on all afternoon. That was really fun. The way a root canal is fun, or a bounced check, or driving on black ice or getting a D.U.I.

7. Having nice blinds down on your windows. Oh, this one is SO out. Your house should be crazy-animal-proofed as if you were proofing your house to be in a sample holocaust house blasting area. Yesterday, our romantic afternoon was cut short when I got a call from my neighbor, Leslie, informing me with a picture/text that my blinds were hanging in shreds from my living room window. Nothing says sexy time more than shopping at Wal-Mart two days after Christmas looking for replacement blinds!

8. Romantic walks in the snow are OUT--of course this is out! Dogs' pads might get too cold. Therefore, a long walk in the delightful winter snow is out. It must be limited to 40 min. or less on account of the dogs' most tender footpads. This one is rather interesting to those of us who've read WHITE FANG. It seems to me that dogs descended from wolves, who rather liked the snow, but what do I know?

9. Sexy clothing. Oh this one is SO out. Unless of course your sexy peek-a-boo top is made of rip-stop nylon! Yes, aren't halters made of rip-stop parachute material easy to come by? After spending 45 min. with a roll of duct tape on my expensive peek-a-boo sweater, I sadly hung it back up in my closet, instead opting for a windbreaker that hair wouldn't stick to.

10. Absence of concern over safety, YOUR safety that is. The "bears" safety should always come first. The last night he was here, I couldn't remember if I shut off the mattress pad heater. So under the tiny light of my nightlight, I crept out of bed, carefully stepping over one dog in my 9' by 9' bedroom, just to trip over another dog, sail through the air like a rocket propelled grenade, only to land in a crumpled heap on the floor. Scott, the classic ODO, bounces up from bed, "Koe Koe. Are you OK?"

I said, wearily, knowing there'd be no sex again tonight, "Koe Koe's fine. Don't worry about me. I think I might have a major contusion, is all. Nothing."

Ha, ha. Fun for me!

Ho, ho, ho!

My Baby and His Weird Moods

Bennie has the weirdest moods and behaviors of any dog I've ever known. In fact, here's a few of his weird characteristics:

1. The Constant Blabber at Parties--

Whenever I take my dog out to get-togethers, especially if there's another dog around, he acts retarded. No, it's not anxiety. And no, it's not him trying to be an alpha-male. Bennie's like that dork in junior high who walked up to everyone on the playground, "Hey, whatcha doing? Let's play, let's play, let's play" whom everyone ignored. He's so lonely that when he DOES get to see a little doggie, he never gets mean, but he wants to play more than everyone else does and is more than fascinated with the smells of butts. Doesn't matter the gender, he just loves butt-smell.

2. The Weird Bath Dance--

I've heard from another bichon frise owner that her dog acts this same way, so apparently it's one of those genetic things, like how everyone in my family has a salt-tooth and a fixation with potato chips. Anyway, after you give him his bath, and blow dry him, he has to run back and forth between rooms like a maniac. Actually, it's more like someone who has obsessive-compulsive-disorder. Bennie's got to run the same exact path, back and forth about 15 times. BUT IT MUST ALWAYS BE THE EXACT PATH. To the door, turn around, and run back into the bathroom, over and over and over.

4. The gargling with mouthwash growl--

Just about everyone misinterprets this growl as a defensive mean growl. But to Bennie, this is just talking. It sounds like he's got mouthwash in his mouth and is gargling. There appears to be no apparent reason.

5. The, "No Two People Can Pay Attention to Me" Rule--

Now, this one is weird. But if two people are talking and looking at Bennie at the same time, he gets mad and makes a "I'm mad, stop it IMMEDIATELY," growl. It makes no sense. It can be two people looking at Bennie and discussing his dogfood, but whatever the case, Bennie hates it. Also, two different people petting him is also NOT allowed. I can't see the rationale in this. Is it he gets too confused to have two people petting him? Is it he wants to milk one person for all their attention before moving on to the next one?

Like with ALL of Bennie's rules, NONE of them can be changed, altered, or removed in anyway. After all, Bennie's the boss, the head poo-bah, the Head Baby In Charge.

LOL.

Bad Boy Blues

OK, so I have been pretty neglectful last year. Not regarding my dog, but blogging about him.

I apologize to my dog readers, but my personal-dating-life in 2010 fell into the shitter. Not really the shitter, but it's dangling right on the toilet seat.


Anywho, what's new on the dog front?

Well, Bennie has become potty trained. Yay.

However, he's developed some LAME habits. Here they go:

1. Split Personality Syndrome--At home, Bennie's the consummate gentleman, "Mommee, if you hold the door open, I'll wait for you to exit first. And Mommee, I never would bark annoyingly. Let's cuddle and play kissie." But once one of my friends come over, he becomes Spawn of Satan, barking and barking like a tweaker full of crack. YES, I tell him to sit, and push his butt down, and keep it there til he settles down, but then as soon as I get up, he repeats barking for minimum of twenty minutes.

2. Napoleon Syndrome in Bed--"NO one is allowed to move in bed!" So says Lord Bennie. If I move in the middle of the night, there's a growling, complaining, whining fit until I resume a corpse-like sleeping position again. Discipline him? Go for it. It's 3:00 a.m. and I have to get up in an hour for work. Go right ahead.

3. Discretionary Peeing--Bennie seems to think, that when I go off to work and he's stabled in the kitchen with baby gates, the tiny kitchen is his office where he'd NEVER think to pee or mark territory, unless he drank too much water. But if I let him reign over the living room while I run out for an hour to go to the grocery over the weekend? It's a regular ol' party, not Woodstock, it's Peestock, and he pees once by the green chair, once by the couch, and once for good measure under the guitar stand on my UNvarnished antique hardwood floor. "Whasss up, Homie?" he says once I get home, groceries in hand.

4. Mistaken Cat Identity Syndrome--Bennie has taken to sitting up along the narrow ledge of the couch while I read. This is cute and amusing to all. Until he farts, behind MY EAR!

There's oh, so much more like weird doggy B.O. and some funky cheese breath, but that's fodder for next time.